Northwest Territories
oh noes, northwest territories might melt and float away, it's only composed of 18% land and 59% ice shelf! History Of The Northwest Territories On a lovely winter's day in 1870, the Hudson Bay Company arrived to the vast, unclaimed land and gave it to Canada as a Boxing Day gift. Canada was like, "OMG, LAND!" and then forgot about it, due to previous commitments, such as beaver racing and teaching Sasquatch families English. Approximately 50 years later, they realized they owned a gigantic piece of ice that was only useful because Santa Claus lived in the general area. Canada figured they could manage to come up with a business deal with Saint Nick, but they were beaten to death by ravenous elves and no such deal ever came about. After a week-long cannabis binge and a Rocky-style training regime, they realized that they needed to do something about this poor, pitiful uncharted piece of "land". They hired a random drunken eskimo to draw land lines with his ice sceptor and the divided areas were known as territories to make them seem more special and important. The Northwest territories were especially important because it is one province with a plural name, and it's in the middle of said territories. Northwest Territories Today World famous for its vicious Sniper Sasquatch Cod, Seal Beheading and Ice Castle Competitions. Landmarks In The Northwest Territories A really big fucking igloo that allegedly was home to Celine Dion while she gave birth to her secret conjoined triplets. Famous People From The Northwest Territories Brad Scott and Heather White. Famous pop culture icon and star grocery store cashier. A Typical Day In The Northwest Territories 5am: you wake up to darkness, but it doesn't matter because it's dark 24/7. 5:15am: you contemplate the meaning of existence while watching Little Mosque on the Prairie, as CTV is the only channel you can get with your ice-based television. 6am: you eat a balanced breakfast of blubber and fish eyes, and head out onto the lake to ice fish. 9am: you lay down on a random snowbank and gaze adoringly at the Northern Lights, which are the only source of light for miles other than the candle in your house. 12pm: you harpoon a crippled polar bear and eat its right leg. The left leg will be for your afternoon snack. 3pm: the left leg is eaten after practicing archery on some unsuspecting caribou. 5pm: you sell the rest of the polar bear meat so that you can afford the cover charge of attending school that day. 6pm: you go to school, beer in hand, pet snow leopard in the other. 9pm: school is over and you snowshoe happily back to your igloo. 10pm: you settle into bed after watching 19 Kids and Counting and dream of the day you'll be able to afford a Duggar-style igloo to support your extremely large brood of eskimo children. Strange Laws in The Northwest Territories It is illegal to marry a polar bear, but only on Tuesday. The first-born child of every family must be placed in a basket and sent to Russia. Residents who do not obtain a height over 5 feet are required by law to move to the North Pole and become one of Santa's elves.